Jay About Wooderson

Dazed and Confused came out 21 years ago. In 21 years did you ever imagine Matthew McConaughey would take home an Oscar for acting? Or any kind of serious award? I loved that movie and I think his role in it is truly special right up there w/ Spicoli and Lloyd Christmas as comedic genius that nobody else could have pulled off. And yet, it was hard to take MM seriously. More so after some of the steamier pieces of shit he starred in such as Reign of Fire, Sahara, and the litany of RomCom disasters. But here we are 21 years later and the guy is killing it in a couple of big time movies and a critically acclaimed TV show.

So here is the big question... could we be seeing the next Tom Hanks leap? Others have tried it but are seldom successful. The thing is, like Hanks, MM is goofy and kind of funny but he has never been a straight up comedian. Really guys like Jim Carey and Adam Sandler never had a chance w/ the role of serious actor. But check out the Tom Hanks corollary, he starts out as goofy but ultimately lovable and harmless characters. Think Bosom Buddies or Splash in the early '80s. He is doing fine in comedies that are bordering on RomCom status... or in the case of Sleepless in Seattle are RomComs, and then BAM! 10 years after his first couple roles he nails it in Philadelphia and starts his serious acting career. Now MM did not have the same success w/ comedies but if he can somehow find his Forrest Gump role, he certainly can do the astronaut/assassin/war movie/single guy on an island (he loves being on the beach sans shirt).

Just Saying.

Here is another shout out to the Public House in Hinesburg... good vibe, good beer, decent food, very nice service. They have been great w/ our kids both times we have been there and it is truly a family friendly place w/out sucking like Pizza Putt or some Chucky Cheese type joint. Barkeaters on the other hand is a bunch of D-bags.  We also had breakfast the other day at Rustic Root in Shelburne. They were also very nice and the food was excellent. The kids snacked on a baked pancake that was a little sweet but very tasty. I had the eggs benie, and it was quite good. Nice hollandaise sauce, well cooked eggs, and the roasted taters on the side were off the hook. Good coffee as well. Nice space, good service, fair prices. 1 2/3rds thumbs up, check it out.

Catching up a bit

I think when you have kids all you think about is your kids. That is what I spend the majority of my time thinking about.  I am on f*d up websites like Diapers.com looking for fleece footy pajamas. I wake up in the night worrying about the million dangerous things around the house that they will obviously put in their moths. Meanwhile they are kind of standing and almost walking but still have no sense of self so they are that much more of a risk to themselves. And a nice thing to do for my special lady and I? A drink and possibly an appetizer out all done w/in 20 minutes before one of the monsters loses their shit and they both go into melt down mode.

What does that have to do w/ you?  Nothing. If I were you I would not care about my kids. They are boring for other people the same way other people's kids are boring to me. This conundrum makes my blog boring. Unless you want to hear about how my son takes enormous stinky shits that somehow manage to get up his back, on his legs, and on his front all at the same time. It looks like a Pollock painting and seem to defy physics?

One little gem is the Netflix show House of Cards. We are way into it. It is dramatic and engrossing. Obviously it is just TV but I always imagine politicians to be that shitty as people. Most politicians I know are pretty bad people. They lie for a living. So if you have Netflix check it out.

It is too bad we lost a few of our better known performers recently. My mother was very surprised that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a heroin addict. I asked why and she said he was so talented and did not look like one. There you go. To be fair he did look a little pudgy to be a heroin guy. 

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Jay's day off

So President's Day is a great holiday for me. My wife has to work and the nanny also works so I have the day all to myself. The last time I was to have a day to myself I had diarrhea, my kids had diarrhea, the nanny called in sick. So I had to watch 2 sick irritated kids, basically from the toilet. That was not an awesome day. Yesterday everyone felt good so it was all systems go! I began the day by getting the kids fed and changed and getting my wife off to work. Next step, a coffee and muffin at the Shelburne Wine and Coffee shop. So far so good. I then cruised by Lowes to look for some stuff I needed at the house. That was a bust. I stopped at K-Mart and grabbed a couple baby gates. Always depressing. The checkout girl was upset she was asked to stop sweeping and check me out. She tossed my stuff around, gave me some attitude, and missed the discount I was due on one of the baby gates. Whatever, I just wanted out of that shit hole. Next stop, the dump to drop off an old chair. Oh, only open Wed., Thurs., and Sat.? F***. No problem, I can move on. I got a little banking done, picked up a clock for the kitchen, and it was almost time for lunch. Why  not hit up the new food hub, the Noosk?! I spent a little quality time at the bevy center and picked up some cool esoteric brews. I then proceeded to the Mule Bar. Closed until 3PM. WTF! Misery Loves Company. Just plain closed. WTF?!?! Sneakers... huge wait. Dammit! Fine, Our House it is. I picked a seat at the bar and prepared for ok food and a crappy beer selection. The place was packed. There was one woman acting as bartender, and the only waitress while some other schlub followed her around busing tables. You have got to be shitting me. The problem w/ the Noosk is if you are in a situation like this you are kind of stuck. 10 minutes later I got a beer. This was not looking good. Another 8 minutes later I received a menu. Meanwhile several groups got up and left, others complained, some were forgotten, the waitress overflowed the coffee in the tiny kitchen. One fat asshole decided to chew into the waitress for giving away her table even though she came late for her party and had a prime seat at the bar. She was a real tool. Not really the waitress's fault the place was under staffed. I had a so so Reuben. The whole thing was kind of a bust. They did comp me a beer.

I then went to enjoy a movie. Well, "enjoy" may be a strong term. There is nothing but giant piles of steamy shit at the theater right now. I chose the least steamy, Robocop. They should have renamed it Preachy-Writer/Director. It was not good and paled in comparison to the original. 1 thumb down.

Well, when I got home I put up the child gates (my daughter's new favorite game is to sneak to the stairs and crawl up them awkwardly). Kids were in a pretty good mood and I had a nice dinner and relaxing evening w/ my wife. So much for the Day of Jay!

BTW, thanks the Das Wulfenstein for an introduction to my new favorite rapper.

Jay About Poop Town

I have a nasty case of diarrhea. My kids have a nasty case of diarrhea. There is poop everywhere in my house. The toilets, their clothes, my clothes, a million wipes and cloths. I gave my boy a moment to air dry his sore toosh on a blanket in hid high chair last night. Tactical error. He shot liquid poop straight out the back and all over the chair. This kind of shit did not happen to me before kids. Literally. I sharted in my sleep last night. I was woken by kids screams around 3AM. It was time to change another destroyed diaper. I had to go downstairs and poop myself. I slammed into a trunk on the floor, ran into a door, lost all bodily fluids, and then cleaned up basically a complete and undigested meal w/ my wife. Not for nothing but this is a pretty far cry from 2 years ago when we would be planning what cool hotel in the Caribbean to drink rum cocktails at!!!  That said, we woke up the other morning and went into the kids room, my daughter was standing in her crib and pulling back the curtain with her little hand to watch the sunrise out of her window. It was pretty amazing.

So I was in Vegas last week for work and that city is ridiculous. I don't really like Las Vegas. I am not a big gambler, I don't order hookers, and I don't care to spend $456 for a ticket to a show for a performer that by all rights should be playing this summer at the Champlain Valley Fair. http://taylorhicks.com/events/las-vegas-nv-bally-s-las-vegas

That said, I love the people watching. It is funny and sad. It all starts with the plane trip. You can tell the folks going to Vegas. They are so excited. I don't want to act too big for my britches but this is straight up the people who still watch the nightly news on ABC. Fanny packs, lots of denim high and low, it's GO TIME!!! There is no connection to anywhere in Vegas right?  That is the final destination, but when you land it is a rush to exit as if everyone is late to a job interview or something. Next stop, the hotel. I stayed at the Trump which is a family friendly joint w/ no casino. I was there solo but wanted to stay out of trouble. The lobby is amazing. More denim vests, wacky t-shirts, goofy haircuts, and everyone crushing giant cocktails. Out on the strip more weirdos. Folks just cruising around drinking 84oz margs, in bight plastic vessels w/ little to no booze. Where else would you order such a thing? Key West. I also enjoy the oddballs who blatantly stare and take pics (w/out pay) of the scantily clad women on the strip. It is like living the internet.

The casino themselves are the ultimate in weird. The folks you see rocking out at the slot machines are amazing. Especially the amount of rascals in play? I can't criticize too much, I am the guy that crapped my own pants last night and while playing black jack the one night I managed to rookie move and knock my beer off the table and all over the floor. It was almost empty.

The farther away from the new casinos you go the crazier the scene. I walked all the way north to Circus Circus and it was indeed a circus. I suppose that is to be expected of a place w/ a fine dining option sponsored by Vince Neil. Next stop back to the airport where the real degenerates bang out a last few pulls on the slot machine and it is time for that last beer on the plane. Did I grab a 20oz to go beer form the only open bar in the airport at 11:30PM? What do you think.

F*ing weather

I am supposed to be en route to Las Vegas for a conference right now. Serious work, not even porn or anything. Seriously. I awoke this morning to a message from U.S. Air. They decided to cancel flights into Philadelphia just in case it was going to snow. It was not snowing at all this morning at 7AM but cancel they did... for "weather reasons". F*ing weather and more so, f*ing airlines. They are the biggest piece of shit companies in the country and use the weather excuse all the time. I also enjoyed waiting on hold for an hour and still not getting picked up. Guess that is what happens when you cancel thousands of flights. So now I am stuck in Vermont where it is officially cold as f***. Meanwhile I went to an ATM that had no money this weekend so I have 0 dollars. My hotel for the week? Non-refundable. Expedia.com? Morons. They kept asking for the phone number I used to book my trip. Well, Expedia.com, I did it on line you dumb f***s. But I did use the yellow pages to online shop for flip flops. They also asked for my email address, which I provided. They told me it was the wrong one. I was looking at my email at said address and staring at the email from Expedia. I reiterated the same email 3 times. The third time the woman said, "yeah, that is the one we have on file.". You just said it wasn't!!! Then she asked for the phone number I used to book and my head nearly exploded.

It is really cold here today. And not snowing.

So that was another disappointing Patriot loss. Just didn't have the horses and when Talib got knocked out of the game on that cheap Welker hit it was all over. Lots of stories about how Brady has lost it and how great Manning is. Pretty even talent they are playing with. It's not? Really? Huh.

Richard Sherman is a dick. He just is. I really don't think it is a race thing, I don't find him particularly violent or scary. People are either making it out that he is a ruthless thug (Erin Andrews did not look scared, she looked bemused) or that he has been miscast because of race and look at where he has come from and how much he has had to overcome. It is not really either of those. He is just a dick. He is an asshole as a person. Not a criminal and he is not a saint. He is just a guy who talks too much shit. He can write all the articles he wants in Sports Illustrated and he can flash is Stanford degree but lots of assholes write for SI (Joe Lemire), and lots of assholes went to Stanford. One last thing, nobody will remember who Richard Sherman is in 5 years. Anyone remember Revis Island? The only cornerback anyone remembers is Deion Sanders and really that is because he returned punts and kick offs and returned interceptions for touchdowns.

Man, I am in a bad mood.

What a Weekend

So my special lady and I busted ass this weekend. We took kids to swimming lessons Saturday and then went to Barnard to hang w/ friends. When we got back my lady cleaned the whole kitchen while I watched the Patriots whip up on the Colts. Sunday we worked all day, moving furniture, taking down the Christmas tree, cleaning up.

After our cat died the mice pretty much took over. I set out traps. The mice ate the poison out of the traps then took a shit all over the trap (and a glue trap) just to show me their disdain for my efforts. F*ing mice. Meanwhile my daughter came down w/ a slight fever Saturday so she was basically a puddle until last night.

On the bright side, the weather finally broke a bit Sunday so we went for a walk. The driving rain and 45 degree air helped melt an inch or two off the 5 inched of ice we had everywhere. Sure there was still some slight freezing rain/sleet but this was our best chance to get outside. Well, 30 yards out of the house our neighbor's vicious old dog came running out to bark at us. No problem, he barks at everyone but he is always chained up. Unfortunately the neighbor had a guest who had a hound dog who was not chained up. The dog came running at us barking. Then he bit me in the ass. No f*ing joke. Bit me. Almost got my kid. The douchebag owner came out yelling at the dog. Guy had on a busted vest and wellies. He collared the dog and asked me is I was ok. I said yeah except your dog bit me. He did not apologize. In fact w/out a word he threw the dog in his car and drove off. Asshole. Fortunately I had gloves in my back pocket and the bite did not break skin.

So I wake up this morning and my son is out of sorts. He sort of gag pukes on my wife. We feed him his morning bottle and he barfs all over the bedroom floor. You would think I would have learned but I gave him a little more of the bottle thinking maybe it was just a one off. Nope. He puked all over me. Awesome.  I am stoked for this week.

Jay About the Holidays

This post was alternatively titled... Jay About to go on a 2 state murder suicide spree!  Just kidding, I have too much to live for. People depend on this blog.  And my good looks and charm. So in the week leading up to Christmas my kids basically decide sleep is for suckers. We recently found out this is due at least in part to both teething.  So my special lady and I are already a mess heading into a big travel week. We actually started with a decent drive south and a quick stop to see friends who have migrated to the West Coast.  Our kids were pretty well behaved and it was really good seeing them.  So far so good. We get to my parents and I discover my cat has barfed in his carrier. Shit. Whatever, I clean it up and we unload. I then am bombarded by the fact I forgot to to payroll for my nanny so I need to find a way to pay her ASAP. The Benefit Mall payroll service sucks. Bad. I am on the phone dealing with this when my mother tells me the cat died. He just dropped dead. I don't want to minimize this fact. I actually really cared for my cat even though he was an asshole at times. He was my/our first pet and was good for our house. He was good to the kids and a decent mouser. RIP Boom. Well, that was a tough start to Christmas Eve. The rest of the week featured no sleep, my head almost exploding, a dog shitting under my nephew's bed, my mother walking in on me taking a shit, my in-laws having a 30 minute discussion about chopped nuts and the container they were kept in (and later revisiting the discussion), less sleep, and me trying not to go bananas as a crowd decided to have a party under my kids sleeping bedroom so my older nephew could take a nap in the living room. Needless to say I had a tough week.  There were a couple highlights though...

Bizen in Great Barrington was great. It is a sushi joint right downtown.  The menu is too big and pretty unwieldy but the fish was fresh and the special rolls were really phenomenal. I liked the lobster roll, the fried oyster was solid, kind of a seared scallop roll was nice, and there were a couple others that were great. The miso soup was good and they have a very interesting Saki list. We went with a delicious cold unfiltered number. That was a fun night. I can't find a website for them though which irritates me.

Another fun note was our trip home. The kids were fussing, especially my boy. He also smelled like poo. We finally pulled into McDonald's in Rut-Vegas and I took him in to change. After putting a blanket AND changing pad on the changing table I got to work. When I dropped his drawers I got the bad news... poop was EVERYWHERE. On his pants, on his onesie, on his legs, on his socks. I had to almost completely undress him, further smearing shit all over the changing pad and everything else. To his credit he just laid there, slightly bemused. 82 wet wipes later I exited w/ him wrapped in a blanket and a plastic bag full of poop covered clothes. Fantastic! Needless to say I did not get my cheeseburger.

New Years Eve ended the fiasco... it was quiet but very pleasant. We had friends stop by for drinks after the kids went to bed and we had a nice laugh and talked about wet wipes, illicit activities, and other nonsense.  It was a nice way to finish what could best be described as an up and down 2013.  I am very thankful for my friends, family, and relative health. I wish all 3 of you a wonderful new year, good luck out there!