Jay About Poop Town

I have a nasty case of diarrhea. My kids have a nasty case of diarrhea. There is poop everywhere in my house. The toilets, their clothes, my clothes, a million wipes and cloths. I gave my boy a moment to air dry his sore toosh on a blanket in hid high chair last night. Tactical error. He shot liquid poop straight out the back and all over the chair. This kind of shit did not happen to me before kids. Literally. I sharted in my sleep last night. I was woken by kids screams around 3AM. It was time to change another destroyed diaper. I had to go downstairs and poop myself. I slammed into a trunk on the floor, ran into a door, lost all bodily fluids, and then cleaned up basically a complete and undigested meal w/ my wife. Not for nothing but this is a pretty far cry from 2 years ago when we would be planning what cool hotel in the Caribbean to drink rum cocktails at!!!  That said, we woke up the other morning and went into the kids room, my daughter was standing in her crib and pulling back the curtain with her little hand to watch the sunrise out of her window. It was pretty amazing.

So I was in Vegas last week for work and that city is ridiculous. I don't really like Las Vegas. I am not a big gambler, I don't order hookers, and I don't care to spend $456 for a ticket to a show for a performer that by all rights should be playing this summer at the Champlain Valley Fair. http://taylorhicks.com/events/las-vegas-nv-bally-s-las-vegas

That said, I love the people watching. It is funny and sad. It all starts with the plane trip. You can tell the folks going to Vegas. They are so excited. I don't want to act too big for my britches but this is straight up the people who still watch the nightly news on ABC. Fanny packs, lots of denim high and low, it's GO TIME!!! There is no connection to anywhere in Vegas right?  That is the final destination, but when you land it is a rush to exit as if everyone is late to a job interview or something. Next stop, the hotel. I stayed at the Trump which is a family friendly joint w/ no casino. I was there solo but wanted to stay out of trouble. The lobby is amazing. More denim vests, wacky t-shirts, goofy haircuts, and everyone crushing giant cocktails. Out on the strip more weirdos. Folks just cruising around drinking 84oz margs, in bight plastic vessels w/ little to no booze. Where else would you order such a thing? Key West. I also enjoy the oddballs who blatantly stare and take pics (w/out pay) of the scantily clad women on the strip. It is like living the internet.

The casino themselves are the ultimate in weird. The folks you see rocking out at the slot machines are amazing. Especially the amount of rascals in play? I can't criticize too much, I am the guy that crapped my own pants last night and while playing black jack the one night I managed to rookie move and knock my beer off the table and all over the floor. It was almost empty.

The farther away from the new casinos you go the crazier the scene. I walked all the way north to Circus Circus and it was indeed a circus. I suppose that is to be expected of a place w/ a fine dining option sponsored by Vince Neil. Next stop back to the airport where the real degenerates bang out a last few pulls on the slot machine and it is time for that last beer on the plane. Did I grab a 20oz to go beer form the only open bar in the airport at 11:30PM? What do you think.

F*ing weather

I am supposed to be en route to Las Vegas for a conference right now. Serious work, not even porn or anything. Seriously. I awoke this morning to a message from U.S. Air. They decided to cancel flights into Philadelphia just in case it was going to snow. It was not snowing at all this morning at 7AM but cancel they did... for "weather reasons". F*ing weather and more so, f*ing airlines. They are the biggest piece of shit companies in the country and use the weather excuse all the time. I also enjoyed waiting on hold for an hour and still not getting picked up. Guess that is what happens when you cancel thousands of flights. So now I am stuck in Vermont where it is officially cold as f***. Meanwhile I went to an ATM that had no money this weekend so I have 0 dollars. My hotel for the week? Non-refundable. Expedia.com? Morons. They kept asking for the phone number I used to book my trip. Well, Expedia.com, I did it on line you dumb f***s. But I did use the yellow pages to online shop for flip flops. They also asked for my email address, which I provided. They told me it was the wrong one. I was looking at my email at said address and staring at the email from Expedia. I reiterated the same email 3 times. The third time the woman said, "yeah, that is the one we have on file.". You just said it wasn't!!! Then she asked for the phone number I used to book and my head nearly exploded.

It is really cold here today. And not snowing.

So that was another disappointing Patriot loss. Just didn't have the horses and when Talib got knocked out of the game on that cheap Welker hit it was all over. Lots of stories about how Brady has lost it and how great Manning is. Pretty even talent they are playing with. It's not? Really? Huh.

Richard Sherman is a dick. He just is. I really don't think it is a race thing, I don't find him particularly violent or scary. People are either making it out that he is a ruthless thug (Erin Andrews did not look scared, she looked bemused) or that he has been miscast because of race and look at where he has come from and how much he has had to overcome. It is not really either of those. He is just a dick. He is an asshole as a person. Not a criminal and he is not a saint. He is just a guy who talks too much shit. He can write all the articles he wants in Sports Illustrated and he can flash is Stanford degree but lots of assholes write for SI (Joe Lemire), and lots of assholes went to Stanford. One last thing, nobody will remember who Richard Sherman is in 5 years. Anyone remember Revis Island? The only cornerback anyone remembers is Deion Sanders and really that is because he returned punts and kick offs and returned interceptions for touchdowns.

Man, I am in a bad mood.

What a Weekend

So my special lady and I busted ass this weekend. We took kids to swimming lessons Saturday and then went to Barnard to hang w/ friends. When we got back my lady cleaned the whole kitchen while I watched the Patriots whip up on the Colts. Sunday we worked all day, moving furniture, taking down the Christmas tree, cleaning up.

After our cat died the mice pretty much took over. I set out traps. The mice ate the poison out of the traps then took a shit all over the trap (and a glue trap) just to show me their disdain for my efforts. F*ing mice. Meanwhile my daughter came down w/ a slight fever Saturday so she was basically a puddle until last night.

On the bright side, the weather finally broke a bit Sunday so we went for a walk. The driving rain and 45 degree air helped melt an inch or two off the 5 inched of ice we had everywhere. Sure there was still some slight freezing rain/sleet but this was our best chance to get outside. Well, 30 yards out of the house our neighbor's vicious old dog came running out to bark at us. No problem, he barks at everyone but he is always chained up. Unfortunately the neighbor had a guest who had a hound dog who was not chained up. The dog came running at us barking. Then he bit me in the ass. No f*ing joke. Bit me. Almost got my kid. The douchebag owner came out yelling at the dog. Guy had on a busted vest and wellies. He collared the dog and asked me is I was ok. I said yeah except your dog bit me. He did not apologize. In fact w/out a word he threw the dog in his car and drove off. Asshole. Fortunately I had gloves in my back pocket and the bite did not break skin.

So I wake up this morning and my son is out of sorts. He sort of gag pukes on my wife. We feed him his morning bottle and he barfs all over the bedroom floor. You would think I would have learned but I gave him a little more of the bottle thinking maybe it was just a one off. Nope. He puked all over me. Awesome.  I am stoked for this week.

Jay About the Holidays

This post was alternatively titled... Jay About to go on a 2 state murder suicide spree!  Just kidding, I have too much to live for. People depend on this blog.  And my good looks and charm. So in the week leading up to Christmas my kids basically decide sleep is for suckers. We recently found out this is due at least in part to both teething.  So my special lady and I are already a mess heading into a big travel week. We actually started with a decent drive south and a quick stop to see friends who have migrated to the West Coast.  Our kids were pretty well behaved and it was really good seeing them.  So far so good. We get to my parents and I discover my cat has barfed in his carrier. Shit. Whatever, I clean it up and we unload. I then am bombarded by the fact I forgot to to payroll for my nanny so I need to find a way to pay her ASAP. The Benefit Mall payroll service sucks. Bad. I am on the phone dealing with this when my mother tells me the cat died. He just dropped dead. I don't want to minimize this fact. I actually really cared for my cat even though he was an asshole at times. He was my/our first pet and was good for our house. He was good to the kids and a decent mouser. RIP Boom. Well, that was a tough start to Christmas Eve. The rest of the week featured no sleep, my head almost exploding, a dog shitting under my nephew's bed, my mother walking in on me taking a shit, my in-laws having a 30 minute discussion about chopped nuts and the container they were kept in (and later revisiting the discussion), less sleep, and me trying not to go bananas as a crowd decided to have a party under my kids sleeping bedroom so my older nephew could take a nap in the living room. Needless to say I had a tough week.  There were a couple highlights though...

Bizen in Great Barrington was great. It is a sushi joint right downtown.  The menu is too big and pretty unwieldy but the fish was fresh and the special rolls were really phenomenal. I liked the lobster roll, the fried oyster was solid, kind of a seared scallop roll was nice, and there were a couple others that were great. The miso soup was good and they have a very interesting Saki list. We went with a delicious cold unfiltered number. That was a fun night. I can't find a website for them though which irritates me.

Another fun note was our trip home. The kids were fussing, especially my boy. He also smelled like poo. We finally pulled into McDonald's in Rut-Vegas and I took him in to change. After putting a blanket AND changing pad on the changing table I got to work. When I dropped his drawers I got the bad news... poop was EVERYWHERE. On his pants, on his onesie, on his legs, on his socks. I had to almost completely undress him, further smearing shit all over the changing pad and everything else. To his credit he just laid there, slightly bemused. 82 wet wipes later I exited w/ him wrapped in a blanket and a plastic bag full of poop covered clothes. Fantastic! Needless to say I did not get my cheeseburger.

New Years Eve ended the fiasco... it was quiet but very pleasant. We had friends stop by for drinks after the kids went to bed and we had a nice laugh and talked about wet wipes, illicit activities, and other nonsense.  It was a nice way to finish what could best be described as an up and down 2013.  I am very thankful for my friends, family, and relative health. I wish all 3 of you a wonderful new year, good luck out there!