Beave on Beave!!

**warning, this post may be nsfw and inappropriate for nerd... NERDS!!!!**

So for my intrepid readers from Iran and Russia, in a past life I was a bit of a partier at a small liberal arts college in the northeast by the name of Middlebury College.  I wanted some fun so I became a part of the college's "Greek System" which had evolved or devolved into a co-ed social house system rather than fraternities and sororities.  Why?  Well, we as a intelligent compassionate community were against the exclusionary nature or the fraternity system.  Whatever.  I can tell you that I got to see some co-eds drunk, hang out with a slightly more diverse crowd, and I never had to grab another dude's dong.  So that was pretty ok.  Where, may you ask, am I going w/ this?  Well, at the social house everyone got a nickname.  Mine, was "Beave".  Why?  Well apparently in a drunken haze one of the brothers thought I looked like a high school friend of his nicknamed the Beave... so I took on the mantle.  Even in college less than a dozen people called me Beave and thiose same friends do now.  Ok "Beave", still not sure where this is going?  Well, last night the topic of slang for female genitalia came up (don't ask).  Have you ever noticed that there is no word for the... you know... that is not offensive to women (and some men).  Go ahead, say them to yourself.  Now when you go home, say them out loud... bet you either offend yourself or get slapped.  On the flip side I can say weiner, dong, dick, thingie, wad, schlong, rod... etc... not only are they not too offensive, they are pretty funny.  They are even plastered across the NY Post over the last month.  If there is ever a female senator Leslie Beaver, I bet you will not be getting those dirty headlines!  Put it in the bank!!!  Of course when Susan Bagina makes it in Westchester County all bets are off. 

Go ahead and noodle on that!  I am now going home to get yelled at by my special lady for posting this piece of trash.

Date Night Surprise!

I ended last week on a bit of a bender... we had a work related dinner Thursday night and I got a little over my skis.  Like heading down Tuckerman's Ravine sans skis, over my skis!  Some asshole tried to charge me $50 for the cab ride to Charlotte.  It usually costs $35.  The problem w/ cabs in Burlington is that they do not use meters and do not tell you the cost up front.  My dickhead driver thought he he slip one by me in my drunken state.  Well, f*** that guy!  I paid $35.  On the bright side I did have a lovely breakfast the next morning at Pennyclues.  I usually don't go there because I refuse to wait over 30 minutes for anything, except maybe a good poo.  We went at an off hour and got right in though.  We started w/ biscuits and gravy and a bucket of spuds.  The biscuit was ok but the gravy was kind of weird, a little too sweet.  Can you really go wrong w/ a pile of potatoes and cheese though?  The answer is no.  I then wrapped it up w/ the huevos verdes.  Delicious.  Really nice tomatillo sauce.  It was a good meal. 

Saturday we went to my parents and spent some time w/ my nephew.  It was a fun day, he is pretty cool, but has way too much energy for me.  It was a very pleasant day though.  We went to the Montshire Museum in Norwich.  If you have smaller children and happen to be in the area, give it a look.  It is like the Boston Children's Museum Lite.  On our way back to Burlington we stopped in Montpelier for a beer at the 3 Penny Taproom, a movie (X-Men), and dinner at Positive Pi.  It turned into a great date.  The beer was very good and the movie was pretty entertaining.  We stayed for the credits and then went to the bathroom afterward. When I came out I noticed a crowd at the door.  The Capitol Theater was holding up all movie goers until we exited.  2 of us.  What if I had to spend more time in the men's room?  Were we really a threat to steal another movie experience?  Is that a real problem in Montpelier?  Anyway, like I said the movie was good not great, but very entertaining for a rainy Saturday night.  Positive Pi was an odd joint.  It was busy but not packed.  We were seated right away in the front.  We waited for a little bit before a runner came by and took our drink order, saying the waiter was jammed.  Good thing he came by because it was 20 minutes or so before we actually saw our waiter and I was nearly drink empty w/ no water either.  It is pizza not French gastronomique!!!  The pizza itself was pretty good.  Crust and sauce were good but there was too much garlic and not enough basil or sauce.  OK, not great.

One last tidbit from Sunday.  It stopped raining for 20 minutes so we cruised by Loews to pick up some stuff to build a raised bed garden.  After dealing w/ 3 absolute ya-yos trying to cut some 2x4s for me we finally were ready to check out.  The nerd behind the counter started in about how he wanted a checkout glove.  Then he started talking about how a place he knew of gave checkout people whole exoskeleton arms.  Yeah, that is really necessary for the idiot at Loews... a $1mm robotic arm.  My wife just started to wander away leaving me to pretend this conversation w/ the 5th level Wizard Master was not happening.  When we finally escaped the assclown had not put all of our merchandise in the cart.  He was too busy imagining himself as a home goods cyborg.  My lady had to go all the way back to fetch our stuff while I mowed the lawn... which ended up being a project finished in driving rain.  F*ing rain.

F*** it, it is a slow summer

Let's think of some fun product pitchmen/women.

Ben Bernake for Just for Men (we were just saying it looks like he colors his hair): "When I am not fighting inflation... I am fighting gray hairs!"

Bill Gross of Pimco Total Return Fund fame for Total brand cereal: (say this w/ a Mrs. Garrett voice) It would take 4 years for me to short enough U.S. Treasuries to equal the nutrition in one bowl of Total cereal!  Then we would be broke El Erian! BROKE!!!

Katy Perry for Double Mint Gum: "I am a terrible singer but I have huge Double D boobs... chewing Double Mint Gum keeps me from the singing part!"

Tom Brady for Ugs: "Seriously... I am rich, play football, and have a smoking hot wife (and ex!).  I can pitch whatever the f*** I want!"

Madonna for Pampers: "All of my stolen, er, I mean adopted kids wear Pampers. I think, I don't really know, the nanny takes care of that stuff when I am out w/ my 17 yr old boyfriend who is most likely blind in at least one eye."

Hulk Hogan for Zubaz pants: "Oh yeah brother... when I am dropping the big leg on Roddy Piper, I need some big pants. Zubaz!"

Barrack Obama for Nicorotte: "Look, I need a f*ing cigarette right now!  Do you have any idea how f*ing stressful this job is?! I killed Bin Laden and I am still getting shit for the damn economy!! Ok, just give me a few pieces of that damned gum while I do the State of the Union."

Lindsay Lohan for Craftsman Tools: "When I want a night out these days... I need a special set of tools to get that pesky tracking bracelet off."  Craftsman tools and 13 flirtinis... presto, another terrific Tuesday evening!"

Lady Gaga for Brawny paper towels: "Heck, I have made a shit ton of mistakes... Brawney really cleans 'em up!"

The Ultimate Warrior for Prozac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQgZ7HLZLv8

The Decision Part 2

We are reporting today from beautiful Ghaziabad in the Kunar Province of Afganistan.  It is a beuatiful 98 degrees, rocky and dusty!  We have had a major coup over the last few days... after difficult negotiations we have finally brought together the new Big 3 to Al-Queda!!!!  There have been some misteps and having our leading scorer from the last few seasons get shot in the face hurts no doubt but here we go!  Announcing our new point gaurd and the leader of the team... the Egyptian Magician...  Ayman al Zawahiri!!!  To help bring a championship tto Ghaziabad we have also secured the rights to recently released sext stud... Anthony "the Big Man" Weiner!!!!!  And in the steal of steals... new power forward and long time bad guy.... Colonel Moammar "I look like a weird chick these days but will still kill you" Gadhafi!!!

Gadhafi: "I am happy to announce that I will be taking my talents to South Afganistan.  We need to find some more role players and we certainly have some glaring holes, oh yeah... it sucks we live in abandoned warehouses and caves... but this big three should be good for not one, not 2, not 3, not 4... but 8 major world disruptions!!!"

***sorry, this post is probably in bad taste.  But I hate terrorists and the Heat so f*** them both.

Really?

This is what one of the stalls in the bathroom at our office looks like.  I was going to take a picture but was afraid to take my phone in there... The floating fecal matter is like the green blob in Ghostbusters these days.  Another WTF moment? I am at the urinal taking a piss when I notice not just the usual jungle of pubes but short hairs that looked like shavings.  Manscaping?  Are you shaving your face while urinating?  Do you really need to save time that way?!?!?!  Seriously?!?!?!  I know I should not keep talking about the bathroom but our men's room and the dipshits who are allowed to drive on Rt. 7 in the mornings are 2 things that day after day baffle me.  I have a better chance of figuring out the Goldbach conjecture than figuring out where that 17 year old in the SUV talking on her cell phone is going! 

Go Bruins!

Can you tell enough Weiner jokes?

It is Monday and sure, I could talk about the Bela Fleck show we went to last night that was very good as usual. And yeah, I could spend some time writing about the excellent HBO shows I watched this weekend about The Broad Street Bullies or the McEnroe/Borg rivalry that were both excellent.  I could talk about the never ending rain, or my asshole cat who now swipes at strangers for no reason and puked on my bath mat this morning.  There are plenty of things to rap about but today I think I will touch on a subject I have ignored for too long. NY Rep Anthony Weiner!  I would like to get in on the NYPost angle and come up w/ the best Weiner headlines I can think of that they have (hopefully) not used yet...

Media rubs Weiner the wrong way.
Weiner stiffens up under the pressure
Obama frustrated, slaps Weiner around.
Politicians cuffing Weiner after latest outburst
Weiner goes deep into contacts for support
Weiner shrinks as Dems pour cold water on him
Weiner stuck between a rock and a dirty black jack dealer from Vegas
Weiner tries to get head above water
Weiner hanging out in anticipation of latest charges.
Weiner low and blue with no love from the left or right.
New pics show Weiner excited
Latest Republican masterstrokes have Weiner close to finished

I could go much more over the top but this is a family channel! Well, no, it is not but I am pretty sure people read it who might be disappointed if I break out a pussycat joke!!!

Jay About Jazz Fest

It is jazz fest here in Burlington and last night my special lady, myself, and a few friends hit up a show featuring Bonerama and a band I really enjoyed in college, Viperhouse.  Before the show we stopped by a new restaurant San Sai down on the waterfront in the old Taste space.  We were a little worried because it was pretty empty but the waitress said they had a soft opening w/ little to no advertising so patronage was primarily word of mouth driven.  The space itself is very nice and they had it tastefully decorated.  There was also a soft soothing Japanese music playing in the background that made me feel like I was about to get a cucumber water and a Swedish massage.  Nope.  Anyway, we got a bottle of unfiltered sake, a 3 salad appetizer, edamame, a fresh crab California roll, spicy tuna, and salmon avocado roll.  The salad was pretty good, we both liked the seaweed and the thistle salad.  There was a cooked seaweed we did not care for.  The edemame was good.  Nice salt factor.  The rolls were also good.  The tuna was not great but the other two were nice and fresh. The rolls were a little loose and sloppy but the ingredients were pretty fresh, the rice had a nice consistency and the seaweed wrap was solid.  Service was friendly, a little slow, but good.  And the bill was cheap.  $53 for all of that food and sake.  I'd give it a thumb and a half and definitely go back.

The concert was also something.  It has been raining like a mother f*r up here for a couple months so it was a little damp to get started.  The concert was down by the waterfront which is a nice local but the rain kept the event under a big tent.  We grabbed a beer and settled in for some decent music and fantastic people watching.  Bonerama was good, pretty energetic.  We were also treated to 4 finger dancing guy who moved like he was a marionette attached to strings.  There was no bra hippy girl doing handstands.  And who could forget guy holding his 12 year old daughter in a mildly uncomfortable way for too long considering she was about to get her driver's permit any day!  My favorites were the yoga instructor who stretched between songs then absolutely rocked out w/ no shoes... and the old guy w/ the bald ponytail and the rainbow shirt who was dancing in an incredibly aggressive way that cleared out a space around him about 8 feet in diameter.  The best part of the concert was when a storm came across the lake they panicked and evacuated the tent (you know because of the huge metal poles), telling us the concert was over.  Of course after leaving the venue we later learned the concert was restarted when the lightning never actually materialized.  The jackass security detail was pretty fired up about the whole thing.  We did return and catch Viperhouse who were pretty good.  Overall a good not great concert. 

One last review... 2 huge thumbs up for the NY Post's coverage of the Andrew Weiner scandal.  The headlines are out of this world!!!

Oates... OATES!!!

So the highlight of our weekend (besides another delightful supper club of course) was a trip over to Essex to catch the Avett Brothers concert.  We had seen them in a very intimate Randolph show a couple years ago and really liked them.  This show was at the Champlain Valley Fairgrounds midway.  Larger, no seats, less atmosphere but not terrible.  You can see the show just fine from the beer garden (a roped off area... lame) but the acoustics are pretty bad.  In front of the stage the sound is better and you can easily get about as close as you want to the stage.  The concert is fine although it felt very short. They played some standards and had a pretty nice energy.  I liked seeing them in the concert hall/theater much better.  The highlight of the evening for me was the opener... John Oates of Hall & Oates fame.  He is a little guy surrounded by bigger people and playing a huge guitar that made him seem even smaller.  The music was a grass roots-y style americana that was pretty good.  He also busted out a couple old H&O numbers including this gem; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8nlQ4VI4Uk&feature=related

Another highlight was the checkpoint in the Noosk.  That was unpleasant.  Fortunately my special lady was our designated driver and we were not stopped.  It would have been fine but that always sucks and makes your heart pound.  I was nervous and only a passenger, a slightly drunk passenger! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8LPdTX4Hk0&feature=related
Now did you say "yes sir"?!

Things You Probably Do Not Care About

So in the month of May can you guess which country followed the U.S. for the second most hits on Jay About Town?  Iran.  Yup, Iran.  Always knew I was a hit with the Mullahs!  Not sure how I get most of my traffic.  Before I could do the deep dive I assumed if you were reading this you were my dad, my wife, or one of my friends.  Apparently there are automatic searches that look up pictures or keywords I have on the site and they latch on to advertise bullshit you may or may not want.  Does my dad need to know where to score the best legal drugs?  Don't think so.  Chinese herbs for a larger... personality? Maybe for T-Pain.  We could all use a Ric Flair mortgage though... http://www.thetruthaboutmortgage.com/ex-pro-wrestler-enters-mortgage-business/  Anywho, I like to see these stats... they make me laugh.  Like farts.  And wrestling midgets.  And fat guys dancing.  And monkeys telling jokes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxJRSmIBjd4

OK, how about a little topical discussion... Why is the political discourse so absolute and vitriolic these days?  Mitt Romney was quoted saying "Barack Obama has failed America".  Yikes.  Why come with the hammer so soon into your campaign... that dude just killed Bin Laden?  These politicians are like radio show hosts, they throw out wild statements meant to shock and capture sound bites for a Twitter generation and it allows them to blow up and then quickly fade away.  I think I can jump on this bandwagon though and help these folks.  Here are my suggestions for political taglines for top contenders.

Barack Obama: I killed Bin Laden Bitch! (Please ignore those ugly jobless people next door...)
Mitt Romney: I hate Obama... He failed you and probably was born in Al Queda-land
Sarah Palin: I am the cute one who hates Obama, you betcha!
Donald Trump: Obama... You're Fired! Did I forget to mention I often file chapter 11? Never mind.
Michele Bacchman: I am the not as good looking even crazier person who hates Obama! He is a Communist!
Tim Pawlenty: Hey remember the governor of Minn. before me? He will suplex you if you don't vote for me!
Arnold Swartyfjshkjhnegger:  Yah, I am groping for votes!
Newt Gingrich: Hey, I was huge in the 90s!  And I still hate that Taliban jerk Obama!
Bernie Sanders: Mr. Obama, come to Vermont and see how the trust fund babies struggle to afford $1000 lift tickets!
Barney Frank: rabbababalalbablbalbalaba banks bad.

So there.  Pretty sure w/ some slick glossy presentation material I have something?  One more thing, let's see if we can build some site traffic.  Will and Kate wedding pics/ Blake Lively boobs/ Miami Heat suck/ Jennifer Anniston dating Charlie Sheen?/ Jeter A-Rod love spat/ BEIBER BEIBER BEIBER!!!!

I expect a huge uptick in traffic tomorrow, or some kind of cease and desist letter?