OOF

My kids are a pain in the ass right now.  My son likes to start the action by whimpering and grunting which wakes up my daughter who takes it up a notch by screaming at a pitch that threatens to obliterate glassware in our house and kill the dog across the street.  My wife is afraid I am going to hurt them (which I certainly will not).  I am more likely to drive my own head into the drywall which almost happened in the middle of the night when I tripped over an imaginary line in the floor and fell into the wall.  I have no sleep, sometimes cannot brush my teeth until afternoon, don't shave, got athlete's foot at the gym, eat badly and in a hurry every meal.  My special lady also does not feel so special.  Why doesn't anybody really tell you these things!!!  That said, our kids are really cute and quite amazing.  I am in no way biased when I say they are the most gifted 2 months old that have ever lived. My kid raises his head like a f*ing champ!

I just ate a "Lancy" bar a friend sent to our office.  It is some sort of chocolate confection.  It is always a little scary when you cannot actually read the contents.  It does have 6.1 grams of gorduras totais so I have that going for me.  Mucho Gusto Lancy!!!

Apparently it is the 1 year anniversary of the Burlington's mayor Miro.  I have friends who really respect him and apparently he is very business friendly but as far as I can tell he is merely a shameless self promoter who has gotten little done other than take lunches and breakfast meetings at local establishments and set up various blue ribbon informational committees. Which still makes him 1000% more competent than Bob Kiss. So far Miro has pushed a Fiscal Responsibility Bond.  Everyone realizes that a bond is a mode of debt right?  So we have essentially pushed off our fiscal responsibility for another 10-20 years. But at an excellent rate!  He also "attenuated" the BTV airport's payback period for it's ill conceived and improperly financed parking garage.  Kicked another can down the road.  Well played. In a gushing article (seriously) in Seven Days here are a few gems I enjoy.  "Can he clean up the Burlington Telecom mess? Vince Brennan, another Prog councilor, says he’s pleasantly surprised by the Weinberger administration’s handling of BT, noting that the new mayor didn’t “cut and run” by offloading the essentially bankrupt city-owned utility at a fire-sale price. But there’s still no solution in sight for BT. "  or this one, "On another key financial matter, Weinberger has made no progress toward righting the imbalance between revenues and expenditures in the pension system for city employees.", or "Weinberger’s first year in office could be characterized as long on process and short on product. ".

But what he has done is make sure a residential project hi private company has been working on gets done and build bridges between political parties.  At least he can tweet about it.  Not sure why this administration bugs me so much, I think it is because I expect more from them.  I did not expect anything from Kiss or Clavelle.  I also don't like people who make sure you know all of things they are doing even though they are not actually doing anything... self promotion... that really grinds my gears!

Are there any ads that are more ridiculous than the erectile dysfunction ones?  An honest ad would be amazing... "She has known you so long... so long she knows you have a limp wiener! CialisX".  "When a weird drunk time becomes the right time! CialisX". "She is ok with man boobs, a high fever, vomiting, maybe even a heart attack... because hey, you might have sex! CialisX".  "She loves your fat gut because the hair plugs and plastic surgery make it all ok. CialisX". "Hey, let's act like morons, then have old people sex! CialisX".  

I have nothing against CialisX, it just happens to be the ad I just saw on CNBC.  And yes, I realize the next time I attempt to have sex (4-5 months from now?) I will in no way be able to "rise to the occasion".  But who knows, maybe a quiet time will become the right time... or a fast fumbly, awkward, not terribly satisfying time.

This is why the government sucks

So we as a country are in an interesting pickle. We have become a nation of beggars willing to depend on our government to bail us out in any and all circumstance.  We have become comfortable to be the pan handler who is capable of working but prefers to accept a hand out.  OK, fine. The problem is that the people we are asking for change are broke. Worse than that we are also effectively waiting for these people to tell us how to act and think as well which is even worse.

I am in the process of hiring someone at our house.  Yes, I know... I am kind of a big deal.  Well, it is much less glamorous than that as you will see.  I could pay a service to handle payroll and taxes and such but I am not so flush so I am trying to do it myself.  So I email the Vermont Department of Labor to ask how to proceed with setting myself up to employ someone in Vermont while not f*ing up my taxes and having to pay huge penalties.  They did not know and sent me to the Secretary of State.  They did not know and offered to send me to the Dpt of Labor.  Wait, hold on... I was just there!  Oh, well, maybe try the tax department.  This was where I ran into the depths of idiocy.  The moron at the Dpt of Taxes said that I should ask my tax professional about this.  I said that I had and they advised me to use a service which I thought was very expensive.  Plus what if I did not have a tax professional?  Well, she could not help me there.  The VT Dpt of taxes does not advise on how to handle Vermont tax issues.  I nearly shit my pants.  I asked how the group that determines the tax rules cannot explain them to a VT resident?  They merely collect the taxes.  Well, surely, someone must know how the tax rules are determined right?  I mean there must be an Oz behind the curtain how originally set up the tax code as I know it was not my accountant.  I went back and forth with this person for a while doing all I could not to ask her why she was so dumb.  Finally she offered to transfer me.  I asked to be transferred to anybody who knew anything about anything in the State of Vermont offices.  I was transferred to a huge bitch who was very uninterested in helping me.  To her credit I did get some information but at the end of the day if I don't use a payroll specialist I will screw it up and ultimately pay a fee to the state for my transgression.  Sure, why not.  She wanted me to file an S1 and that does not look right unless I am starting a restaurant.  Of course trying to get background information on the website is next to impossible as it is confusing and very poorly constructed.  The IRS website was pretty straight forward actually to their credit and I am pretty well set up on the Federal level.  The State of Vermont is the issue.  So again one can see why business in Vermont languishes.  You have a better chance of hooking up a major drug deal in front of Panera Bread with a stranger than setting up a sole proprietorship.  At least that is what Paul Pierce in the Starbucks told me.

Lebron Overrated? It's B-ball chat time!

So now that Lebron James has his 1 title and is running over everyone in the NBA it has become fashionable to put him in the best ever discussion.  He may be the best player in the NBA right now but I would not have  him in my top 5 all time... maybe not in the top 10.  I might start a team w/ him in the lineup as I do believe in the evolution of athletes and he is a freak but let's slow down.  He is a one time champ and has had plenty of support around him. I don't see him in the Jordan/Magic/Kareem/Russell mold.  I view him more like Shaq.  An absolute freak of nature that dominates because his physical presence is so unique.  Shaq destroyed people in his prime and refs called games differently for him.  If he go a benefit of calls like Lebron he would have shot 94848 free throws a game (and hit 12). When you think of Magic, Russell, Bird, Kareem, Jordan... it is intelligence, guile, determination as well as physical gifts.  They shot, passed, rebounded. Jordan dunked it, he shot threes, fade away, anything and everything.  When you see Lebron he hits a couple jumpers but mostly he drives the lane, runs guys over, gets away with a blatant charge and maybe goes to the free throw line.  Same as Shaq.  How about this... Lebron over his 10yrs averages 27.6ppg, .489%FG, 7.3RPG, 6.9APG, .8BLK, 1.7STL, and 3.3TO.  Shaq's first 10? 27.5PPG, .576%FG, 12RPG, 2.8APG, 2.6BLK, 0.71STL, and 2.9TO.  Huh... looks like Shaq had better more dominating numbers.  Yeah, but Lebron was a bigger winner.  No? Shaq won 3 titles in those 10 yrs.  But Shaq had better teams... Really?  Early on Kobe was not Kobe. Other than that?  How about Mark Madsen.  Robert Horry, Rick Fox.  Devean George.  Not exactly a murderer's row.  So maybe Lebron pulls a Jordan and keeps getting better, then we can talk.  For now he is statistically not even as productive as Shaquille O'Neal who very rarely gets in the top 10 all time discussion.

By year 10 Kobe had 4 rings, Magic had 5, Jordan had 3, Bird had 3, Kareem had 2, and Russell... well he had alot. Oh yeah, Shaq took his talents to South Beach nearly a decade ago and won the championship in year one. Oh yeah... they also played that season together, didn't end well.

Is this link Awesome?

YES!!!
http://www.wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/

So is this... my current music obsession.

How About the Oscars?!

I like Seth MacFarlane.  I like Family Guy and I liked Ted.  Am I a moron who likes dick and fart jokes?  Maybe.  But I also enjoy boob jokes.  I thought the monologue last night was really funny and I would ask those that deemed it inappropriate for the younger set... how many 8 year olds that are not weirdos watch the Oscars?  Little kids should already be in bed and teens see much worse everywhere.  The internet has made this a filthy world.  We have opened the Pandora's box of infinite information and this is the penalty, a diminished social morality.  We just need to work harder to make our kids aware of a global right and wrong. Enough of that soap box.  The boob song was great.  Captain Kirk was pretty good.  The Tatum Theron dance was actually quite something.  I also enjoyed the shots at Rhiannon, the shot at The Artist guy I don't know, Mel Gibson, and does George Clooney have a permanent front row reserved seat?  He is front and center at every award show.  The host always makes a tame joke at his expense, he looks disgusted, and everyone has a fun time. Must be fun to be George Clooney... the worst thing that happens to you is people kid you about how you bang super hot young models. Because you do.  I wonder how that affects your world view?  Oh wait, I know already.  Any idea how tired I am of people saying to me, "hey look at that clown Jay... he just sits there being attractive with his flowing locks, hot wife and huge genitalia!  What an awesomely cool jerk!!!"  Sometimes it gets old but you have to let the little people have something.

I am glad Argo won.  It is the only nominated movie I have seen but I liked it very much. We watched a little red carpet stuff as well.  Jamie Fox, thanks for being super creepy.  Anne Hathaway, have a sandwich and stop being weird.  Is Kristen Cheneworth 4 feet tall, and possibly not human?  Charlize Theron looked very attractive. Jennifer Garner looked pretty good and nice.  In spite of myself I find Bradley Cooper to be very humble and personable.  Way to not be a dick.  Seriously.  Bobby Deniro on the other hand always looks like he just smelled a fart.  Funny to think these snap judgements are based on a 2 minute clip on TV and could be totally wrong.

Want to hear my kid poop story from the weekend?  Thought so.  My daughter shat so bad it shot out the leg gaps and up the back while leaving a huge pile in her diaper.  She is still very small but this was the biggest poop we have seen to date.  It was seriously epic, it got on her onesie, her jumper, the changing pad cover, the changing pad, and a blanket.  Later she spit up and rolled her face in it.  This all happened after we gave her a bath.  On the flip side my boy peed on my wife while she was changing him.  He gets her all the time.  And every time I crack up.

One short review.  Wanderlust was on HBO.  It was actually quite amusing if you can watch it on cable.  I would not pay to see it. But there were some funny moments and it did not drag on too long. I generally like Paul Rudd and the new I don't give a shit version of Jennifer Anniston. So 1 thumb sort of up. If you are bored and it is on tv, hey why not, check it out.

Hey, it's a poop post!

The other night I was up in the middle of the night and picked up my son.  He smelled like shit.  So I take him into the other room to change his diaper and lo and behold I find that he has somehow pooped in such a way it shot up the back and out of his diaper so that now he has poop on his legs, back, and stained his night gown. Apparently this is a pretty common occurrence? Fantastic!  You might assume that would be the end of my poop indignation but you would be wrong.  Very wrong.  I take the boy back into our room and lay him down and then stumble downstairs to heat up his bottle.  It smelled like shit downstairs as well?  Oh, because my cat had been shut out of his litter space and decided to take a dump on my kitchen floor.  Thanks Boom. I almost had the trifecta when my daughter started rumbling while I was feeding her but they were just wet farts.

The cat made a spectacular follow up to the kitchen turd last night.  He got locked out in the mud room and took the stinkiest shit ever on the rug. I feel bad for the cat, he gets no attention and keeps getting locked in random places.  But seriously dude, pooping all over the floor is NOT COOL!!!

Zombie Jay

So I have been a bit MIA lately but there is a good reason... my special lady and I welcomed 2 new baby birds to the homestead.  Yup, 2.  It has been a wild ride but they are beautiful and we are beyond happy.  We are also beyond tired.  I am a shell of a man right now.  Even more so than usual.  Like work I don't want to get into the ins and outs of the family thing more than I need to but I will say that the twins did need a little time to get things together and in that vein I really want to thank the good folks at Fletcher Allen and specifically the nurses and doctors at the NICU.  They were great and took very good care of us.  We are very thankful for them.

For fun stuff... my son has peed on his own head multiple times which kills me every time.  He also projectile shat all over my wife which also killed me.  My daughter joined in on the act with amazing grunts when she farts.  I crack up really hard when these things happen.  When they wake up screaming bloody murder at 3AM?  Not so much.  I curse the moon and the cat and the idea of the whole thing.  But then they are very cute and it is hard to stay mad.  Believe me, I can carry a grudge w/ the best of them.   So they will no doubt be a big part of my reviews and worldview much like my special lady who has been amazing through this wonderful and at times very challenging journey.  My days of drinking 11AM rum punches on the beach in a seedy Caribbean town are most likely over but my days of pounding beers at Chuck-E-Cheeses?  Just beginning!

BTW, I am sick of all these foodie and drink experts telling me what to do.  I am all for the idea of holding ourselves to higher standards in terms of what we consume but it is going to far.  I usually prefer a aged sirloin burger, w/ aged cheddar, sauteed onions and craft ketchup on a house made roll.  But sometimes I like a McDonald's cheeseburger.  So f*** off!!!