I was reading a "lifestyle" magazine last night whilst on the throne, let's call it fancy food and stuff, they are all the same these days. I found myself fed up w/ the format. These rags used to be about journalists travelling to cool places and trying new foods and wines... now it is all one big vanity project for asshole punks who inherited a bunch of money and don't know what to do with it. So you have a bunch of kind of fat dudes w/ giant beards or waxed mustaches wearing goofy outfits who somehow have smoking hot girlfriends in long flowing dresses. They don't have jobs but do have unbelievable apartments in NYC and summer houses in upstate NY where they pickle nettles. Why do I still read these things? I am a shithead clearly. With that said... I give you my new web magazine, Umlaut, by pretentious people, for pretentious people!
-9/24/15 Exclusive Town on the Hudson. I park my Porsche 365 in the imported Barbados sand driveway and hop on the Ugandan pony up the final 500 yards to the house. I am as struck by the 25,450SF Victorian as I am by the sloping thirty thousand acres leading to the 1 mile of frontage on the river. The property is dapple with afternoon sunbeams and dotted with a maze of fruit trees and wildflowers meticulously maintained by a team of 32 (not upstate new york born) farmers! Out front on the stoop I see my friends Tanner in his custom seersucker suit cut just right at 5 inches too short at the sleeve and leg! He whittles wood next to part time model Uni, Leisure consultant Prairie Moon, and her partner mailbox designer, Zander twirling his waxed 'stache. Our hosts are Dean and Carrie Underfall the IIX. Obviously, they are inside putting the final touches on the lamb that has been braising the last 4 weeks. Dan is a dog catcher and Carrie spends time designing hand made shoelaces for sandals. The kids dance around the Maypole deftly weaving between the dogs and the potbelly pigs never once getting a stain on their Summer Whites!
After a few rounds of Barbu (look it up) and some lawn chess we settle in around the kitchen to taste appetizers of pickled nettles on hand roasted peach slices and whipped butter. The salty sweetness pairs well with the Malvasia Istriana wine and the hand picked cashews toasted w/ Scandinavian sea salt and Japanese white pepper.
Dinner is out on the grounds overseeing the sun approaching the mountains in the west. The Underfalls decide on Galapagos turtles rather than traditional table and chairs giving guests an ever-changing view of the fig trees as they eat the braised lamb surrounded by truffled lobster potatoes in gold leaf and individually shucked snow peas in a light olive oil and child tears dressing. The turtle table attached to their shells helps hold plates ok but makes for a bit of a challenge managing the hand cut crystal glasses full of Assyrtiko from the Greek island of Santorini.
We finish standing on one leg with a rye whiskey locally sourced and distilled on site in the bespoke distillery in the barn while making out own rear view mirror coozie party favors. It has been a grand afternoon on the river... now where is my pony?!
-Pistachio Gregory
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