How About the Oscars?!

I like Seth MacFarlane.  I like Family Guy and I liked Ted.  Am I a moron who likes dick and fart jokes?  Maybe.  But I also enjoy boob jokes.  I thought the monologue last night was really funny and I would ask those that deemed it inappropriate for the younger set... how many 8 year olds that are not weirdos watch the Oscars?  Little kids should already be in bed and teens see much worse everywhere.  The internet has made this a filthy world.  We have opened the Pandora's box of infinite information and this is the penalty, a diminished social morality.  We just need to work harder to make our kids aware of a global right and wrong. Enough of that soap box.  The boob song was great.  Captain Kirk was pretty good.  The Tatum Theron dance was actually quite something.  I also enjoyed the shots at Rhiannon, the shot at The Artist guy I don't know, Mel Gibson, and does George Clooney have a permanent front row reserved seat?  He is front and center at every award show.  The host always makes a tame joke at his expense, he looks disgusted, and everyone has a fun time. Must be fun to be George Clooney... the worst thing that happens to you is people kid you about how you bang super hot young models. Because you do.  I wonder how that affects your world view?  Oh wait, I know already.  Any idea how tired I am of people saying to me, "hey look at that clown Jay... he just sits there being attractive with his flowing locks, hot wife and huge genitalia!  What an awesomely cool jerk!!!"  Sometimes it gets old but you have to let the little people have something.

I am glad Argo won.  It is the only nominated movie I have seen but I liked it very much. We watched a little red carpet stuff as well.  Jamie Fox, thanks for being super creepy.  Anne Hathaway, have a sandwich and stop being weird.  Is Kristen Cheneworth 4 feet tall, and possibly not human?  Charlize Theron looked very attractive. Jennifer Garner looked pretty good and nice.  In spite of myself I find Bradley Cooper to be very humble and personable.  Way to not be a dick.  Seriously.  Bobby Deniro on the other hand always looks like he just smelled a fart.  Funny to think these snap judgements are based on a 2 minute clip on TV and could be totally wrong.

Want to hear my kid poop story from the weekend?  Thought so.  My daughter shat so bad it shot out the leg gaps and up the back while leaving a huge pile in her diaper.  She is still very small but this was the biggest poop we have seen to date.  It was seriously epic, it got on her onesie, her jumper, the changing pad cover, the changing pad, and a blanket.  Later she spit up and rolled her face in it.  This all happened after we gave her a bath.  On the flip side my boy peed on my wife while she was changing him.  He gets her all the time.  And every time I crack up.

One short review.  Wanderlust was on HBO.  It was actually quite amusing if you can watch it on cable.  I would not pay to see it. But there were some funny moments and it did not drag on too long. I generally like Paul Rudd and the new I don't give a shit version of Jennifer Anniston. So 1 thumb sort of up. If you are bored and it is on tv, hey why not, check it out.

Hey, it's a poop post!

The other night I was up in the middle of the night and picked up my son.  He smelled like shit.  So I take him into the other room to change his diaper and lo and behold I find that he has somehow pooped in such a way it shot up the back and out of his diaper so that now he has poop on his legs, back, and stained his night gown. Apparently this is a pretty common occurrence? Fantastic!  You might assume that would be the end of my poop indignation but you would be wrong.  Very wrong.  I take the boy back into our room and lay him down and then stumble downstairs to heat up his bottle.  It smelled like shit downstairs as well?  Oh, because my cat had been shut out of his litter space and decided to take a dump on my kitchen floor.  Thanks Boom. I almost had the trifecta when my daughter started rumbling while I was feeding her but they were just wet farts.

The cat made a spectacular follow up to the kitchen turd last night.  He got locked out in the mud room and took the stinkiest shit ever on the rug. I feel bad for the cat, he gets no attention and keeps getting locked in random places.  But seriously dude, pooping all over the floor is NOT COOL!!!

Zombie Jay

So I have been a bit MIA lately but there is a good reason... my special lady and I welcomed 2 new baby birds to the homestead.  Yup, 2.  It has been a wild ride but they are beautiful and we are beyond happy.  We are also beyond tired.  I am a shell of a man right now.  Even more so than usual.  Like work I don't want to get into the ins and outs of the family thing more than I need to but I will say that the twins did need a little time to get things together and in that vein I really want to thank the good folks at Fletcher Allen and specifically the nurses and doctors at the NICU.  They were great and took very good care of us.  We are very thankful for them.

For fun stuff... my son has peed on his own head multiple times which kills me every time.  He also projectile shat all over my wife which also killed me.  My daughter joined in on the act with amazing grunts when she farts.  I crack up really hard when these things happen.  When they wake up screaming bloody murder at 3AM?  Not so much.  I curse the moon and the cat and the idea of the whole thing.  But then they are very cute and it is hard to stay mad.  Believe me, I can carry a grudge w/ the best of them.   So they will no doubt be a big part of my reviews and worldview much like my special lady who has been amazing through this wonderful and at times very challenging journey.  My days of drinking 11AM rum punches on the beach in a seedy Caribbean town are most likely over but my days of pounding beers at Chuck-E-Cheeses?  Just beginning!

BTW, I am sick of all these foodie and drink experts telling me what to do.  I am all for the idea of holding ourselves to higher standards in terms of what we consume but it is going to far.  I usually prefer a aged sirloin burger, w/ aged cheddar, sauteed onions and craft ketchup on a house made roll.  But sometimes I like a McDonald's cheeseburger.  So f*** off!!!