COMMANDO

Today is kind of a tough day... the Patriots crapped out in the final push for immortality, the financial markets are looking to join them in the toilet, and I am a little sick today. Sure, I could wallow in my sorrows and whine and moan about my troubles, but I am instead inspired! Inspired by a gem from the '80s. Thanks to the miracle of cable and the "Action" movie network, I was able to rock out w/ one of my all time faves... "Commando"!!! After seeing it again in its uncut entirety I am going to go so far as to say it may even be the top action movie of all time. Now I know what you are thinking... "hey, that Jay guy is a stupid piece of... what about Die Hard, Terminator, Batman, Lethal Weapon, hell, what about Predator!!!". I have not made my mind up yet, I mean, I love Predator, but indulge me for a moment. First off, what a cast... The Govenator, Rae Dawn Chong, a super not legal Alyssa Milano, that guy bad character Dan Hedaya, Bill Duke (also of Predator fame). This is a murderer's row of randomw 80s actors. Second, who was in charge of wardrobe? Between Arnold's short shorts, the "military issue" vest w/ no undershirt, super cheesy stewardess outfits, and the other 1980s hallmarks such as acid washed denim and leg warmers... that's a winning combo. As w/ any good action movie there is one great out of no where gratuitous nude scene.

Here is where we get to the nitty gritty. For one there is fantastic cheesy action. The fight scenes are over the top, they make the WWF look like a legit operation. There are also random explosions which lead to extras flailing around in an attempt to look like they just got blown off there feet. There is one scene where Arnold flys through a mall attached to a long balloon (physics be damned!). My favorite of course is where the characters shoot heavy artillery w/ one hand. Ever try to shoot a handgun w/ 1 hand? How about a shotgun? Now try a 40lb gun launching automatic 8" slugs! Naturally, you would drop the gun and be lucky if it did not spin around and rip your leg off. So that's fun.

The other great thing about the eighties is that Schwarzenegger is still very unfamiliar w/ the english language (not sure what excuse the other actors have?). Every line is like a waterboarding gone bad. Of course it also produces such gems as... "Remember when promised to kill you last? I LIED!" and "Don't bother my friend, he's dead tired." Where has the wit in Hollywood gone?!

And finally? I present the best cast of villans ever. There is the somehoe tough Sully, who is actually about 4'9" 125lbs soaking wet and would probably have his hands full w/ my 1 yr old nephew. Then you have Dan Hedaya rocking peraps the most ridiculous South American Spanish accent I have ever heard. He also does a great job pulling off the outfit that the Iranian president has brought back into fashion... all tan man! There is Bill Duke who tries to use his barritone voice and toughguy stare to distract you from the fact he is fat and not a very fluent athlete. But the piece de resistance? The main bad guy... Vernon Wells! Nope not the center fielder for the Blue Jays. Vernon Wells as Bennett... the gayest bad guy I have ever seen in my life! He is fat, he is effeminate, and he is wearing an outfit I once saw in a pretty weird bar on Tremont St in Boston (thanks O'Connell). How could you take him seriously? Especially when he is grappling w/ an obviously roided out Arnold?!?!?!

Well there you have it... comedy, action, Arnold! It's a great movie.

Hey speaking of great TV... there is a Paradise Hotel 2. The first one was such a hit they had to put down volume 2 (on Fox Reality Channel)!!!!