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Nah, not really... unless you steal them from nerds and I cannot condone that **wink wink.  Anyway, strike 2 against the Fiddlehead Brewery in Shelburne.  My lady and I rolled over there Sunday afternoon looking to possibly taste a beer and grab a growler.  Nope.  First off it looks like a dump.  There is crap all over the parking lot and the pizza place which is still not open needs a big clean up effort.  Did I mention the brewery was closed?  Mid day?  On the weekend?  When do they expect to make any money, the prime drinking hours of Mon.-Fri. 9AM-5PM?!?!  Seriously, what the f***?  There was not anyone inside brewing either.  It had snowed on Saturday in the mountains up here but you cannot really take a snow day when you have not really even gotten going can you?  Could I possibly have more rhetorical questions?  So nice work Fiddlehead, you are bringing local incompetence to heights not seen since the antique lamp store on Pine Street that is also not open on the weekends or after 5PM on the weekdays.

After a write up in Seven Days we also stopped by Natalia's Market to try some of the amazing pastries and or Pirogi which I really enjoy.  Yeah, that was also a bust.  There was another like minded couple in there and we were all surprised (well, actually I wasn't) to find there was only one busted looking chocolate roll in the pastry case and an over sized fake looking brownie type thing.  Certainly not the "authentic" Ukrainian we were led to believe would be there.  A familiar sight was that of the crusty not very friendly old man behind the counter.  Seven Days got a picture of him smiling somehow.  I have a couple of inappropriate theories.  Here was an excerpt for a conversation he had as we were leaving sans pastries...

Patron: I finally won something on a scratch ticket from your store!
Cranky Old Man w/ Ukrainian accent: What you win!?!
Patron:28 dollars, I am so...
Old Man: Give ticket!  Take Money!

That is exuberance my friends!  By the way, any idea how stoked I am to watch the academy award winning The Artist?!?!  About as excited as cranky old man.  I will never see that stupid movie, it looks boring.  I did happen to see the JLo nip slip and I thought the wardrobe seemed a little malfunctiony.  There must have been some kind of wardrobe malfunction on Cameron Diaz's face as well?  HAHA I kid, I will be here all week!!!!!

1 Guy Who Likes 5 Guys... Wait, That Sounds Weird?!?!

So a new 5 Guys burger joint came to Burlington recently and my buddy JB and I ventured out at lunch to try it out.  We got there around 11:40 and the place was a mob scene.  It has been open a few weeks... this was not opening day or nuthin'!  The place is pretty sparse, it looks like a barely renovated 50's burger shack but whatever.  I got in line behind JB who is a veteran and prepared myself as if I were ordering mulagatani from the soup nazi.  I ordered the regular cheeseburger "all in" or something like that.  It meant w/ everything. We shared some Cajun fries which was fine, they pack a shit ton in the bag.  It was a crazy process ordering and then watching the kitchen go crazy making the food.  A bunch of people all crowd around like fools who crowd the airport line even though their row has not been called.  We waited around 15 minutes which was a little uncomfortable but then grabbed our chow and cruised.  I had my cheeseburger, the shared fries, and an orange Fanta which was the right call barely edging out Cherry Coke and root beer. 

Well, the burger is pretty damn big.  2 patties that are freshly grilled and of solid quality.  On top of that mine had mustard, mayo, ketchup, sauteed onions and mushrooms, lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles.  Am I a fat f***?  Yes.  Yes I am.  Anyway, it was delicious!  The bun was great, the burger was great, and the condiments were great.  The fries were a little mushy but tasted ok.  I cannot eat this kind of food often and would never sit down there but I am giving it 1 1/1 thumbs up and will be back!  Even better, they are opening another one closer to me on Church Street.  i am just putting on my Spring weight, don't worry about it.

Back to Negative Jaybird

I had a very nice and quiet President's Day yesterday.  I finally finished The Fountainhead.  That is a long f*ing book man.  It was really good, a little preachy at times but I enjoyed the characters and the story quite a bit.  Imagining Ayn Rand as a free thinking, smoking, sex pot is a little gross. 

Anywho... so my special lady and I took a drive on Sunday down Rt. 100.  It is like 30 degrees and brown everywhere which really sucks.  After cruising around we shot over to Brandon and decided on a little lunch at Cafe Provence which looked nice.  My wife had eaten there before and said it was our best option.  Well, it did not start well.  We waited for a long time for a table.  The place was only 1/2 full maybe at 2PM but while one teenage waiter ran around serving most of the tables another waitress just stood at a single table chatting up a single patron and getting not slim.  We finally sat down and moved on to waiting phase 2.  That one took awhile before another waitress arrived at the building and finally cruised over w/ silverware and asked if we wanted a drink.  I asked what the McNeil's seasonal beer was per the menu.  She claimed she was not familiar w/ beer and went to look.  I was not asking if they had beer just what the type was, not even what it tasted like, just what it was as the menu indicated?  It is a restaurant right?  Not a fire station.  They only had one changing seasonal... you should probably know that one right? Ok, whatever... she told me it was the farmhouse amber and I ordered it.  My lady asked if they had ginger ale.  Affirmative.  So she walked away.  Waiting phase 3.  This was like a condo project that kept running out of money.  Our waitress got on a long phone call and then forgot about us.  Michael Cera kept up w/ his other 10 tables.  Fat girl just wandered off not to be seen again.  I said we should leave.  My wife said to stop being cranky.  Finally teen kid convinced his mom to check on us.  She finally came back w/ the beer and what was clearly Coke and Sprite mixed together, not ginger ale.  We ordered.  At this point teen wolf got on the case and service picked up as he brought the food out.  There were like 12 people in the kitchen and only the one competent kid out front.  They would not have done well on Top Chef Restaurant Wars!  So between salad and entree I went to take a leak.  Phase 4!  I was waiting for a long time while I suspected a 80yr old was taking a dump.  Nope... it was an employee just getting to work who was getting changed and cleaned up for work.  On the bright side I was able to pee surrounded by the soothing aroma of stale cigarette smoke!

Ok, the service sucked... how was the food?  The salad was pretty good, not over dressed, nice looking lettuce.  The pizza was ok.  I had a burger that was nicely cooked, good flavor and a great soft onion roll.  So the food is solid, price is ok, and service sucked balls.  1 thumb waiting... waiting... waiting...

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Am I right pissed off panda?!?!?! 

Been A Little Light Lately

Not w/ the alliteration though!  I have to admit there have been some things going on of late that have kept me a bit distracted.  Not necessarily bad, nor good.  One interesting sidebar will be an examination of the meaning of the terms "non disclosure" and "disparaging".  What am I allowed to say?  What lines am I willing to test?  You are right... I am a giant pussy, so probably not many at all!  So you might have guessed it, I am Russell Brand and my special lady is actually Katy Perry.  As the result of our recent break up I am in lock down in order to keep my portion of the settlement.  Dirty bitch!  Uh oh, there goes $9 million!!!  F***!!!!

Just kidding, if I were Russell Brand I would be barely literate but this blog would be really awesome because I would have a company of strangers that maintained it and provided content.  I tell crude poop jokes and use crappy clip art.

"Hey Jay, why don't you shut the f*** up and write a review or something?!"  Good point peanut gallery.  So this weekend I went down to Stowe for a few turns on the snowboard.  It was 14 degrees in the valley but 28 on the mountain at 9 am and got progressively colder.  The snow was ok and better than expected but there were definitely boiler plate spots where I nearly killed myself.  For a food break we went to the cafeteria in the newish Spruce Lodge.  We rocked a few PBRs some onion rings and a ridiculous chili cheese fry bowl.  Props to TM for coming back w/ the sick grub.  The onion rings were a little greasy but ok.  The fries had 3 or 4 varieties (curly, string, waffle) and were topped w/ a nicely seasoned meaty chili and gross but guilty pleasure satisfying yellow goopy fake cheese.  These things were the bomb!  And yes, I had burny poop the next day but it was worth it!  We also talked up the PBR rep. and scored baseball hats, t-shirts and even a couple cool winter hats.  Who knew you cant' drink beer in the lift line, on the lift itself, or on the trail afterwards?  Liabilities?  Thanks alot Bin Laden!  Fun day nevertheless.

So there you have it.  I have a big week coming up w/ Valentine's Day and my Lady's birthday.  Will I blow it?  Possibly.  Stay tuned!  I may just have to go for broke w/ a classy boudoir photo shoot, I have been working out (w/ chili cheese fires)!

R.I.P. Whitney...

OK

So I have been "criticized" for my high standards for service.  Jay, what do you have to do to actually be considered a legit service provider?  Is there any way to please you your majesty?!?!?!  Well, yes, in fact there is.  Last weekend my special lady and I went into Eyes of the World on Church Street in order to have the lenses in my sunglasses adjusted.  The younger gentleman who works there came over to say hello and see how we were doing and how we were enjoying our glasses.  We have purchased 3 pairs of glasses there, the last time several months ago.  Even though the place was packed the guy made a point of asking us questions, making sure we were happy w/ their product, and then giving us an accurate time frame in which he could meet our needs.  He did not necessarily remember our names but he knew our faces and our frames!  Beyond that he noticed my case was broken and gave me a new one.  It is those small details that say to me... hey, I actually give a shit about your business!  For that I will extend them my business and recommend them without reservations to everyone I know.  So there you go, my love affair w/ Eyes of the World!